It Still Hurts But It’s Okay

It Still Hurts But It’s Okay

I have spent almost half of my life longing for my father’s return. It has been over a decade since I heard his voice over the phone. That particular call he made right before he vanished turned out to be his very last call. I still remember the excitement of that naive teenage girl after being told that her father was coming back home after being away for a while bringing along his fruits of labor to be shared with the whole family. I have been trying to keep that particular memory from fading away. I still want to remember it as it is the only thing that reminds me of how painful that day was. Growing up without a father to rely on is depressing. Picturing his calm face brings both joy and loneliness. Recalling the sound of his voice is getting harder as it keeps fading away with each passing day.

Sometimes, I still feel like hell reliving those first despairing weeks of him missing in the deep ocean. And other times I feel like a bright spring day wishing he’d appear somewhere. Hiding my sadness away is an ability I have learned over the years. I want to get over the fact of him not being here anymore. But I sometimes feel guilty for wanting so. I should be feeling this sorrow for the rest of my life, shouldn’t I? Isn’t it part of living? I still feel out of sorts whenever I try to imagine him struggling for his breath beneath the waves amidst the unforgiving storm. I still ask God why it had to happen that way. I still don’t think he deserved such a horrible way to go. He was easy to be liked. Many people were fond of him as I can clearly remember. Maybe if he was the opposite, it would have been much easier to accept.

More than a decade has passed and his body has not been found. Abruptly losing a loved one is devastating enough but not having the chance to see them in their final days surely can mess up a person’s mental health. With a confused mind, the definition of an unfair life was portrayed right before me. As a budding teenager, I had to live life differently. At a young age, I came face to face with grief. Without knowing much about it, I imperceptibly learned to befriend grief. It became my other self unbeknownst to me. It caused me to pin my hopes on alcohol just so I could drown the feeling I never wanted to have. It felt like living in two different lives. A quite grieving Christian daughter at home and church, then an alcoholic somewhere away from my family’s eyes. I lived like that until I finished the degree that my father chose for me. I don’t know how I did it but thank God I did.

If I look back at those dragging years of suffering, I am rather surprised that I am still here writing about it. More than anything, my faith in God brought me to where I am now. I don’t know where I’d be if not for His grace. I’d be hypocrite if I said my faith was never swayed. Of course I almost lost it. I even thought God betrayed me at some point. Thinking about it, betraying me was not His intention at all I suppose. Perhaps it was His way to prepare me for everything this life would throw at me. I have had broken friendships and relationships but the wounds healed over time without me feeling sorrowful all over again. I have had people turning their backs on me but moving on has been a lot easier than I expected. That devastating time of my life has definitely taught me a good number of significant lessons which I am truly grateful for. Although it hurts how it had to be that way– that awful way, God has been so kind to me even though I cursed him once or twice. 

My heart still aches every time I realize that my kind father will never return. It still pains me when days are colorful but he is not here with me to celebrate them. My eyes still well up when things get rough but I can’t run to him to confide. I still hate the thought of losing him in a dreadful way. God has been so good to me that whenever I feel like drowning in sorrow, I am reminded of how blessed I was to be loved by someone like him. He was the kind of father others would wish to have. It soothes my aching heart all the time. I just wish he could see the 30-year old woman that I have become now. I was 15 or 16 when he last saw me. Lastly, I still wish I could hear him say goodbye even in my dreams.

As much as I want the pain to come to an end, but it is the only thing that reminds me of my dad. I am scared that when I forget about the pain, I will forget the feeling of missing him. I want him to know that even if he is not coming back anymore, he will always be missed. When he was suffering all alone in the cold, I couldn’t come to his rescue. Missing him for the rest of my life is the only thing I can do for him now. 

If you have recently lost a loved one, hang in there. You may be in so much pain now but it only shows how much you love them. Give yourself some time to mourn in solitude. That’s where you can find the most strength. It’s not going to be easy but you have to keep going for the people who are still with you. Talk about it with the people you trust. Talk to God. Write about it. And don’t forget how blessed you are despite being left behind. It’s going to rain hard for who knows how long, but the sun will surely brightly shine upon you.

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Review: Hythiol-C Whitea

Review: Hythiol-C Whitea

This skin whitening supplement comes from SSP, the same Japanese manufacturer of my favorite painkiller. If you’re curious to know how effective it is, keep reading. I bought my first bottle of this last month and finished it 30 days later.

FEATURES

  1. This supplement is effective at treating and preventing freckles, age spots, sunburn, acne, eczema, rashes, general malaise and hangover.
  2. Contains L-Cysteine, an antioxidant that suppresses the production of excessive melanin to prevent blemishes and make your skin clear.
  3. Contains vitamin C, suppresses excessive melanin production and improves spots and freckles.
  4. Contains the largest amount of calcium pantothenate (vitamin B5) which promotes the skin cell turnover and supports the recovery of the skin.
  5. Contents: 120 tablets (for 30 days), Price: 4,500 yen excluding tax
  6. Made in Japan

    DOSAGE:
    Take the following dose TWICE DAILY with water or lukewarm water.
AgeAdult (15 years old and over)7-14 years old
1 dose2 tablets1 tablet
Not suitable for under 7 years old

COMPONENT:
In 4 tablets (2 tablets morning and night, daily for adults)

ComponentQuantity
L-Cysteine240mg
Ascorbic acid (vitamin C)500mg
Calcium pantothenate30mg

PROS

  1. It’s not difficult to swallow since the size of the tablet is pretty small. So even if I take 4 tablets (morning and evening) everyday, it’s no big deal.
  2. The daily amount of vitamin C for adults (500mg) doesn’t exceed the recommended dosage which is up to 1000mg. The same goes for L-Cysteine (240mg) which is typically 500mg a day.
  3. You can take it before or after meals. But if you have a very sensitive stomach, the company recommends after meals.
  4. It’s okay to take it during pregnancy, but it’s important to refrain from taking medications during pregnancy unless you need them, and it’s a good idea to tell your doctor that you’re taking them.
  5. Safe for breastfeeding women but you still have to inform your doctor about it.
  6. It doesn’t only focus on whitening your skin but it also helps with fatigue and hangover. Probably 3 weeks after taking, I felt less tired especially after a 3-hour non-stop walk with my dog. Before the pandemic, we used to usually walk for at least an hour 2 or 3 times a day. I could rest in between those walks but this new routine of ours is quite exhausting. I don’t have anything to say about it when talking about hangover because I don’t drink alcohol anymore. Proud to say that I’ve been sober for many years.

CONS

  1. The daily amount of calcium pantothenate for adults is 30mg which is larger than the recommended amount that is 5mg. Taking larger amounts increases the chance of having side effects such as diarrhea. I experienced it on the first 2 days but it was manageable and wasn’t coupled with stomachache. After that, the diarrhea occurred every now and then but remained painless.
  2. You’re supposed to see the whitening effect on your skin especially the age spots and freckles after 3 months of continuous intake which I find a bit long for its price. I thought I’d be able to get immediate results due to the amount of the active ingredients but it wasn’t the case at all.

There’s no harm in trying this one out. You just have to be patient with your desired results. I think I won’t repurchase. I’ll just take vitamin C instead. I’d like to know your thoughts on this product.

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Review: Suisai Beauty Clear Micro Wash

Review: Suisai Beauty Clear Micro Wash

Washing your face daily is self-care and you choose a good facial wash because you love your skin. I’m reviewing this one for those who are looking for that good facial wash. I’ve been using this since August and now it’s time for me to share my experience with this Japanese cleanser with utmost sincerity.

130g

FEATURES

  1. Made with two kinds of clay that are smaller than pores. (Moroccan lava clay & White clay)
  2. Helps remove pore impurities, dead skin cells, and sebum while locking in moisture.
  3. Contains apricot juice that acts as an exfoliator.
  4. Contains moisturizing ingredients such as ethyl glucoside and sodium hyaluronate.
  5. Can also be used as a rinse-off type mask.

    HOW TO USE (FACIAL WASH):
    Wet your face and take an appropriate amount (about 2cm in diameter) on your palm. Lather the face wash well with water or lukewarm water to cover the entire face before thoroughly rinsing off the product. Use morning and night, daily.

    HOW TO USE (RINSE-OFF MASK):
    Spread the product on dry skin without lathering across areas where blackheads and roughness are noticeable and leave it for about 30 seconds. Add some water or lukewarm water to lather the product before rinsing it off. Use once or twice a week.

PROS

  1. It has a fresh mint scent.
  2. Easy to dispense.
  3. Lathers up quickly.
  4. When not using any makeup, this facial wash does a pretty good job.
  5. The whiteheads around my mouth are now very easy to remove after a month of using this.
  6. Doesn’t irritate my sensitive skin.
  7. Doesn’t cause acne.
  8. Back in August, the weather was still warm. This product didn’t dry my skin.

CONS

  1. Now that it’s getting cold, I feel that this facial wash isn’t moisturizing enough.
  2. It’s been almost over 2 months but I can still see the blackheads around my nose.
  3. Because it has an exfoliating ingredient, I sometimes experience some mild peeling. It’s not that pretty to look at but can be resolved with lots of moisturizer.

I haven’t tried it as a rinse-off mask and not planning to do so. Due to the cold weather, my skin is really easy to dry and using clay mask or anything of sorts isn’t a good idea for me. As a facial wash, it’s quite satisfying if you have oily skin. I think I can only use this during the warmer days. For now, I’ll just finish it up and look for a new one afterward. If you have any suggestions, please do tell.

What do you think of this product?
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