Pain: Curse or Blessing?

Losing my dad was the worst part of my story.

It was the saddest melody my ears ever recognized. The most heartbreaking movie my eyes ever watched. The truth was so hard to swallow. So hard that I could only taste bitterness and anger. Vanishing from this cruel world became my heart’s desire only to escape from the dreadful reality. I wanted to tear my heart open so I could no longer feel the pain.

Sorrow and pain became my music. I listened to them every single day. As much as I didn’t want to admit defeat, I watched my heart breaking into a thousand pieces and I didn’t know how to mend it. How could I? I was just 17. I didn’t deserve it. It was unfair.

Pain won. I lost.

Why him? I asked myself a hundred times but didn’t get an answer. I got nothing but a mournful echo. My search for the answer left me cold. Looking back, now I realize that I wasn’t living but battling. I was just a lonely balloon drifting in the wind. A sorrowful bird with broken wings. A broken note. A frightened little girl lost in the dark woods.

The passing of time has been an aid. I still wake up to the horrible nightmare in the middle of the night every now and then but manage to go back to slumber. The passing of time has helped me recover my lost faith. My faith has grown bigger than ever. That’s how powerful time is. And it becomes even more powerful when there’s acceptance.

With time, I’ve learned to accept the painful truth of living on without the most significant man a daughter should have. I still remember that day that came with a terrible news, but not hold on to it. I still remember the pain, but not hang on to it.

Now I refuse to tie my string onto people because I’m certain that people will always leave no matter what. It’s a curse that a powerless soul like me can’t break. If I lose the ones I love now, it won’t be the same.

Is it a curse or a blessing?

Pain has changed me. It has taught me to always look at the bright side now. Whenever pain knocks at my door, I’ll warmly welcome it and leave the window open for happiness. Pain is always present in every story, so is happiness. If I ever have to dance with pain again, I’ll put on my best dress and gracefully sway until the music stops. I won’t try to beat it because I’ll only lose and I won’t let it happen again.

Pain is a blessing disguised as a curse.

Author: The Pinay Ajumma

1990 | Socially awkward | Chocolate addict

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